Ronald and Edna Get Blown Up
Announcer: Do you and your spouse quarrel about taking responsibility
for the little ones? Well, it's probably not the end of the world. But
maybe it is. This week Ronald and Edna, America's most uncomfortably
familiar couple, duke it out over what to do about the ultimate family
problem! Let's take a listen to their pathetic lives.
Ronald: Well, little Timmy, it looks like Mommy's still "working late
in the office" so it's just you and me for dinner tonight! I made you
big macaroni and cheese whiz individual snackette Jr's!
Little Timmy: Oh goody!
Ronald: And your favorite --
Little Timmy [and Ronald]: Orange soda!
Ronald: So, Timothy, what did you learn in school today?
Little Timmy: Um, Mrs. Oxygen showed us some bugs, they were really neat.
Ronald: What kind of bugs?
Little Timmy: CIA bugs. They were wireless.
Ronald: That's very interesting Timmy, I've never heard of that kind
of bug. What else did you learn today?
Little Timmy: In sports we did OTB. I lost a nickel!
Ronald: That's too bad, Timmy. Maybe you'll find it tomorrow.
Little Timmy: Daddy, when's Mommy coming back?
Ronald [bursting into tears]: I don't know, little Timmy, maybe never!
Little Timmy: Also they taught us today that a big comet is going to
hit the earth tonight.
Ronald: A what?!
Little Timmy: A big comet. Um, five miles across. It's going really
fast! They showed us a picture.
Ronald: Oh my God, little Timmy! Do you realize what this means?
Little Timmy: Uh oh, did I say a bad word?
Ronald: No, that's not it at all Timothy, it's just that if a comet
that big really hits the earth it'll mean the end of everything!
Little Timmy: Like on T.V.?
Ronald: Worse, Timmy! Listen, you're excused! I have to call Mommy!
[phone dials, rings three times]
Secretary: You've reached Edna Carp's office, how can I help you?
Ronald: I need to talk to Edna, right away!
Secretary: Can I ask who's calling?
Ronald: Who's calling? Who's calling? Who do you think is calling?
This is Edna's husband, Ronald, and I demand to talk to her right
away!
Secretary: Can you hold one minute?
Ronald: Hold?! One minute?! Do you realize what's going on? This is
urgent -- this is more than urgent! It's -- more than urgent!
Secretary: Is this some kind of emergency?
Ronald: Yes, it is some sort of emergency, you lousy little
bureaucratic cog! As a matter of fact, for your information, it just
happens to be the very most important emergency anyone is ever going
to have to -- deal with, and frankly I can't deal with it unless I can
speak to my wife right at this very exact second!
[dial tone]
Ronald: Hello? Hello? My god, what did I just say? I've got to calm
down!
[phone dials, rings three times]
Secretary: Hello, you've reached Edna Carp's office, how can I help
you?
Ronald: Listen. I'm very, very sorry about how I spoke to you just
now. But could you please, please let me talk to my wife. It's -- well
it's somewhat important. Please.
Secretary: OK, Jesus Christmas. Whatever.
[pause]
Edna: Hello?
Ronald: Edna, this is --
Edna: Ronald! I told you to never, ever call me at the office! I'm
extremely busy right now and I simply can't take even an instant of my
extremely valuable time to hear about your so-called "emergency",
which frankly I wouldn't be surprised to hear was something about as
consequential as a leaky faucet! Well if you want to know what I
think, I'll tell you what I think, I think it's time that you learned
to take care of some things yourself. Don't you remember that crazy
weekend we spent on the French Riviera, once?
[romantic music]
Edna [sweetly]: Ronald, what beautiful flowers! How -- considerate of
you.
Ronald: Oh Edna!
Edna: Oh Ronald! [smooch]
Ronald: Listen, Edna. These so-called "flowers" are only the
beginning. I've been thinking, I don't want what's happened between us
to just be some little fling. So I got you something that shows how
much I really care.
[unwraps gift]
Edna: A cell phone! Oh Ronald, that's so wonderful!
Ronald: Now you can call me whenever -- or wherever you are.
Edna: I guess I'll have to call the phone company and set up an
account.
Ronald: No you won't, Edna. I took care of everything. It's prepaid --
through 2075!
Edna: Oh, Ronald! You're so proactive!
[romantic music stops]
Ronald: Yes, Edna, as a matter of fact I do remember that night. I
can't forget it! I can't forgive myself for giving you that God Damn
cell phone, because ever since then you've been climbing that
corporate ladder as if it was some kind of -- well, ladder, and you've
left me, and little Timmy, and in a very real sense your own self
behind in your relentless, ruthless, callous pursuit of petty,
dishonest, material gain. What about me, Edna, what about the people
we once were!?
Edna: Listen, chump, are you finished? I've got thirteen pages worth
of "whereas" clauses to notarize and sixty-seven powerpoint slides to
convert to HTML by 7:30, when I have to have a very late
seventeen-martini lunch with Lee Iacocca and Ted Turner, and so
frankly your concerns, as legitmate as they might be, and I'm not
saying that they actually are legitimate so don't let any ideas into
your pretty little God Damn head, are going to have to wait! Is that
clear, Ronnie? Or am I going to have to have my secretary fax it to
you in triplicate?
Ronald: OK, I've had about enough. This isn't about you and me and
Little Timmy anymore. This time it's about the whole world, which for
your information is about to be literally blown up by a huge
comet. How is your business strategy going to cope with that?
Edna: What on earth are you talking about?
Ronald: It's not on earth, Edna. But it will be. And I just thought
maybe you might want to see your own son, for once in your life, for a
God Damn Change, before we all get blown to smithereens!
Edna: Ronald, I don't have time for this! And I won't! Ever!
[dial tone]
Ronald [sobs]
[phone dials. busy signal]
Ronald: Busy! Edna, how could you do this to me?
[phone rings three times]
Ronald: Hello?
Edna: Hello, may I speak to Little Timmy?
Ronald: Oh, you don't have time, huh? Well where did you suddenly get
the time to talk to little Timmy?
Edna: Can it, Ronnie! Get me Jr. before I sue!!
Ronald: Yes, of course, sorry. Timothy, your mother would like to
speak with you.
Little Timmy: Um, hello?
Edna: Hello little Timmy. How are you?
Little Timmy: Um, I'm OK. Is it true that a big comet is going to hit
the earth?
Edna: Well, nobody really knows, Timothy. It might. Or it might not.
Little Timmy: It looked rilly cool on T.V.!
Edna: I'm sure it did, Timothy. But you have to remember that
T.V. isn't always right about everything. Sometimes they just show
stories on T.V. that aren't really real.
Little Timmy: Oh.
Edna: And sometimes people believe those stories.
Little Timmy: Rilly?
Edna: Especially people who have no idea what the real world is, whose
idea of the truth is whatever they see on their daytime detergent ring
cycles, when they should be investing their time in money generating
some revenue for the family unit? I'm telling you little Timmy, that
kind of thing really gets my goat!
Little Timmy: I saw a goat once.
Edna: You know Timothy, I really think it's time you thought about
coming and living here at the office. We've got lots of office
supplies you can play with and there's a great view of the harbor from
the umpteenth floor. Whaddya say? It would really make things an awful
lot more convenient for your mommy, for a God Damn Change!
Little Timmy: I like goats.
Edna: All I'm saying Timmy is think about it. OK?
Little Timmy: Can we go to the zoo?
[sound of comet hitting the earth]